Looking through my crystal ball…

Democracies will erode under the weight of attention spans shorter than a hamster’s. The planet will heat, then hiccup, then wheeze, then expire, because the best we can do is redesign shampoo bottles to save the turtles. And we will still waste time arguing over the colour.

Eventually, we might upload what’s left of our culture into a badly managed cloud server that’ll crash during an El Niño-induced power surge. And the backup? Stored on magnetic tape in a warehouse that will evaporate during the first major global nuclear conflict.

The cockroaches, meanwhile, will continue their quiet, effective rule. At least, until the sun becomes a red dwarf and Earth is burnt to a crisp.

Humanity has outdone itself in finding ways to shout into the void with astonishing vigour and almost no meaningful return. Social media is bombarded with 700 comment threads debating whether tattooed eyebrows are empowering or oppressive, while glaciers the size of Luxembourg quietly detach and drift out to sea. Thousands of hours of YouTube videos and Reddit threads are devoted to explaining why airplanes don’t fly off the edge, while actual scientists weep into their test tubes. Deeply philosophical Instagram reels on “authenticity” are delivered from ‘influencers’ in their hot tubs in Dubai, followed by an affiliate link for discounted collagen powder. On X the exchanges are getting heated… should dogs be vegan? Raging factions. Faked studies. Emotional appeals. Meanwhile, the dog is in the corner eating a sock.

On a Facebook group, a terrified mother wonders “is my baby’s aura too orange?” More and more mums reply, posting photos of their children’s expressions and asking strangers to interpret their energetic vibrational field. The baby just wants mashed banana. Meanwhile, people are dramatically posting that they’re quitting social media… on social media… every three months… while checking the comments for validation.

It goes on, and on. Depressingly. I’m sure you won’t believe me (or at least I hope not, perhaps you are a follower?) … but there really are YouTube tutorials on “How to Manifest Wealth Using Lemon Water”. Because – apparently – the path to financial stability lies not in economic policy or labour rights, but in citrus and positive vibes. Elaborating a little – because I hope at least some of you still find this impossible – it really has racked up millions of views on TikTok and YouTube. Here’s the basic (ludicrous) idea…

You write your financial desires or affirmations on a piece of paper, eg “I am a magnet for success and wealth”). You then place it under a glass of lemon-infused water. You speak your intentions to the water (yes, really) … “Money flows easily to me” kind of thing. Finally, you drink the water, absorbing the “high vibrational frequency” of your words. If you want to ensure success, don’t forget to stir the lemon water clockwise to “activate manifestation”, to add cinnamon (for “even greater wealth”), and use crystal glassware to “amplify energetic resonance”…

Meanwhile, I’ve just spent 90 minutes compiling this contribution, which next to no one will bother reading through to the end. Oh, the irony ….